When Grief Returns

Grief comes in waves. Even years later it can still pop up and you still may not even be prepared for it.

I was really just off the other night. I was feeling restless, I started mindlessly eating. And I finally just sat down and asked myself what’s going on. It dawned on me that I am feeling antsy with Mother’s Day approaching. And I just sat there feeling overcome with sadness....

If you’d like to listen in you can view the video, otherwise feel free to keep reading below the video. 

I think, actually I know, there is still a part of me that is grieving the loss of my dream of conceiving my own child. I know there are other options out there - but those doors have just shut - and I know they have at least for the time being. Then shame and embarrassment washed over me. Thoughts of, “you should be over this by now. Get over yourself. There are worse things happening in the world.”

This is actually called toxic or negative self-talk. This is when self sabotage can leak in. This is where we have to be so aware of the words we are speaking to our ourselves. 

Mother’s Day has become a bitter sweet day for me. It’s sweet and special because I want to celebrate my mom, my grandma, Clinton’s mom and even my sister - they are all beautiful women and mothers. But the other part of me is just so sad. So sad that I can’t partake in this special day. And I know that, that triggers feelings of being left out which is from my small childhood trauma from being bullied. So the negative inner voice pops up and tells me I’m stupid for feeling this way, it’s not that big of a deal, stop making things all about you.

I hadn’t shared any of these thoughts or feelings with Clinton but a few nights even earlier - Clinton and I were watching tv and he said that we really need to get away just the two of us  and he asked about this place that I really wanted to go to. I was so excited, girl!

I’ve been wanting to stay at this gorgeous Bed & Breakfast about an hour from our home and I’ve been talking about this place non stop, and it’s a place where I’d like to go to for a solo writers retreat, so we looked at the calendar and I remember seeing the weekend of Mother’s Day open and we booked it!

And inside, I knew that me booking it that weekend was me trying to run away - to escape from the emotions I was feeling. The other night when I was realizing why I had been feeling so off lately, I realized that, that is exactly what I am doing. I’m trying to run away from feeling those feelings of sorrow again.

Grief is a heavy thing and even when you have healed from some of those emotional moments, grief has a way of just washing back up again. I’ve been asked by a woman (in my Restore Your Hope program) if grief ever goes away. I honestly don’t know. I think there will always be an emotional tie or a soft spot or a little scar upon your heart and mind in regards to what you have walked through. There’s still so much about grief I have yet to learn even though I’ve walked through my own grief. It’s a tricky thing and it’s so different for every person. 

In the beginning it’s intense and you have no idea how you will even overcome this, then you begin to experience the light again and you find yourself smiling at something sweet or giggling at something silly, there’s a guilt and numbing period of time where you worry about what others will think of your choices or you just can’t even explain how you feel or the emotions you are experiencing because you just feel lost, alone or numb; and then there is the sweet spot - the time when life is going on smoothly and it’s beautiful and you are excited, and then there will be a date or a holiday or a phrase someone will say that brings in the grief again. 

I want to remind you that when the grief returns though to just let it be okay. We are so use to suffocating our grief (and just emotions in general) that we deny ourselves of giving ourselves permission to truly feel. Just call it out. “Hey saddness. I know you are there. I know this is scary, but we are okay. God is taking care of me and all my needs. I can rest in him.”

You have to lay your troubles down at his feet. He will cover you with his wings and protect you. If we don’t share the same faith, that is okay. Then reach out to a trusted friend - someone you know who will respect what you share with them. And it’s also okay to reach out for professional help if you need to speak with a life coach, a therapist, or a doctor. There is no shame in that and actually that is true bravery right there. 

So today, if you are experiencing some heavy emotions, breathe in peace and exhale your worry, your sadness, your anger. You will be okay. Feelings are like waves and no wave lasts forever. Light is still there - just reach out and hang onto it! 

If you are looking for a place where you feel like you belong, I’d sure love to invite you to my Authentic & Radiant Women Learning to Live a Life of Less Worry. It’s a beautiful group of women from around the world who have come together to encourage one another in our life journey as we release the feelings of worry, rediscover our hopes and joy; and begin living authentically. Feel free to hop on over to the group to see if you’d like to hang out with us all. We’d love to say hello to you!